Bump in the Road....

Things have been going well here. It has been such a blessing to find a guy who is not only passionate about his relationship with the Lord, but also extremely patient and thoughtful with me. Sometimes I feel like struggle with the same trust issues that have been created from past pain, but for the most part it is improving over time as I realize that I can take someone for their word and know that he would not intentionally hurt me...something that was quite the opposite in the past when it seemed like the goal was to push my buttons and create distance. Right now I'm needing to cling to Christ and remember that even though not one person can be perfect and some have walked away leaving huge wounds exposed in their wake, God will love me unconditionally and NEVER give up when I become frustrating or indifferent. It hurts to feel rejected, but even more so to know that the reasons to call it quits were just excuses for the moment...he's moved on and starting over. I'm getting there, too, thanks to God's loving grace and overflowing mercy in my life. My heart may ache at times, but I try to take advantage of the reminder of what's most important in this world, and it's my relationship with Christ and sharing the hope and joy that I have in Him with others...He is my rock, fortress, and deliverer.

I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Ps 18.1-2)

Wrestling with God...

Why is it that when I pray for God to make thinks extremely clear to me, mostly because of my inability to stay focused on His will, He allows me to begin pursuing something only to give me this gut-wrenching feeling that I'm chasing after selfish dreams? Why am I so incredibly thick headed at times and able to wreak total havoc when I am suppose to be simply relying on God for what I need each day? Of course as I'm wrestling with God this morning and praying about His will, I begin to read in Galatians. Verse ten hit me in the face: "For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-slave of Christ." Am I striving to meet the approval and expectations of others? Am I avoiding doing what I know is right to avoid disappointing someone? Am I seeking God's will and ways to bring glory to Him? Do I consider myself a bond-slave of Christ? Those are all very good questions...

Loneliness...

It's funny how I am surrounded by lots of friends and family, and yet I struggle with loneliness. I guess this is when I really need to lean on Christ and allow Him to fill the void that was created in my life. Perhaps it was especially hard the past few days because almost exactly three years ago I thought I had said good-bye to going through life alone...this week was challenging, to say the least.
I guess I should be reminded that my focus should be on the eternal and know that no one here on this earth can bring me the real joy that we have in Jesus Christ. Yes, of course I would like to be married and starting a family soon, but I also have to be able to let go of my own desires to allow God's will to take 1st place. I know that He will provide and that will come in His perfect timing. 'Til then, I will seek His face in the lonely times and rest in His presence.

Kosovo...

Yay! So I am going to Kosovo for a month this summer to work with some missionaries and possibly other individuals at a local kids camp. I am very excited to see where God is leading. Suddenly the thought of going overseas to be a missionary doesn't sound quite as daunting as it used to. I never thought I would give in to God nudging me in this direction, but I guess He has a way of conforming my heart to His when I pray for it. What an amazing God I have! Now I just need share Him with those in desperate need of hope in Eastern Europe, too. The adventure begins...

Missions...

So I'm looking into a summers missions trip. I have been feeling God leading me here for some time, but because of different circumstances and being so focused on what I wanted in life, I hadn't really explored my options or allowed God to work on my heart. Now that I've been praying for Him to show me where he wants me to go in life and I have very little tying me down, there has been an opportunity to take 5 weeks at a sports camp in Europe and minister to the unsaved. I am nervous, but excited...I don't know what God will ask me to do, but I am willing to go out on a limb and leave my comfort zone because I know that no matter where I end up, God will be there and bless me more than I could ever imagine!

Wounds Reopened...

Why does it feel like when, month after agonizing month, I finally feel like I'm making great progress and then learning that I've already been replaced which momentarily shreds any progress made? My heart is thrown into the meat grinder and I struggle as I'm slowly getting sucked back into the black hole of depression again. Satan has such a way of taking us when we thing we're back on our feet, capable of doing things on our own again, and he uses that pride to lead us astray.
It was a painful, but necessary time to remind me that Christ is my rock. He is the only One who loves me unconditionally and will never leave me. God is not going to dump me out like yesterday's garbage for someone new and more exciting--I don't have to perform or meet any standard to stay in His presence--and that is comforting. Why do I try to make people like me? Why to I try to be perfect? Why do I let others determine my worth? Because I'm human, and when I don't allow Christ to be in control, then I give that power over to others. Thankfully, He is always there, just waiting for me to run back into His arms and let Him handle my stress, sadness, and worries. I don't know what I would do without God...

Good reminder...

It's funny how I put God in a box. I can't see past what is right in front of me and I feel stuck sometimes...like this is all that life here on earth is with me trying to make due with what's at hand. However, I'm sure God's shaking His head at me when I am surprised when exciting doors open and I let my mind start to dream about the future. What a good reminder that God knows not only what I really need, but EXACTLY what I want...He sees the desires of our hearts and really WANTS to give those to us. It just takes us allowing Him to direct our paths and giving over the control since He wants us to find joy here and contentment in Him. I guess I let my finite, human mind give up on my dreams and hopes, only to let God remind me occassionally that He loves me unconditionally and knows what I long for...