My prayer today...

Jesus, Lover of my soul,
Jesus, I will never let you go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now I know

I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you until the very end

Why?

Why does my heart ache?
Why do I feel so alone?
Why do I then sometimes just want to be alone?
Why isn't there someone to hold me when I cry?
Why do they say they love you and yet walk away?
Why do I think I'd feel better if I could just slug someone?
Why in the world has God brought me here?
Why do I struggle to see purpose in me being in this place?
Why am I so frustrated sometimes?
Why can't this world satisfy my longings?
Why is it hard to trust that God will work it out in His time?
Why have I let go of someone so good to me?
Why am I so impatient?
Why do I feel I'm a million miles away from my dreams?
Why can't I just focus on what He has before me now?
Why do I let my pride & selfishness take over?
Why is it hard to trust people?
Why did I have to go through everything that I have?
Why do people think I'm strong when I feel so weak?
Why am I so blind to blessings in my life?
Why does He find me worthy of anything?
Why? ...because of His Son and His unconditional love for me.
THAT makes this all worth it, whether or not I fully understand why...

Forgiveness...

Why is it that sometimes we like to harbor bitterness and frustration? Why do we cling so tightly to hurt feelings and wallow in them when we're down? Why does it feel like we deserve to be angry and depressed after being painfully betrayed? Why? I was convicted of this last month at our conference. The very first session included a short teaching on what was called "bitter springs" in our lives. These are the things that we refuse to hand over to God and so they continue to well-up and prevent us from living like we're called to. As I sat in my seat, listening to the speaker, my mind wandered. Hadn't I forgiven people who have hurt me? Hadn't I given this over to God? Hadn't I moved on to this new phase in my life? It then hit me. I hadn't. I had gone through the motions, and maybe even said that I had forgiven others, but in my heart I was clinging on to the pain...and I considered why. Perhaps it was because I could pull out the self-pity and wallow in it whenever I was lonely, sad, or tired. It worked as a perfect excuse for being depressed and struggling, should I ever need it. But wasn't this totally selfish? By refusing to relinquish the bitterness and hurt feelings, I was telling God that He wasn't big enough to heal my heart and fill the void where I thought a guy should go. After several days of wrestling with the thought of giving up my "bitter springs," I decided to fully give them up. God had gently wrapped His arms around me and reminded me that He loves me unconditionally and wants ALL of my heart, no matter how many pieces it feels like it is in. He wanted to heal it, and I was ready to let Him. God is so good. I realized that if it hurt that much, then I must have really loved him...which is good because I know that I'm capable of love, I'm able to forgive, and I can trust God with the future, no matter how it unfolds.

Trusting God...

So I've been overseas for only two weeks and the wave of doubts and fears have been prevalent. It doesn't help that there has been ample time to think with very little distractions. Yes, I'm a mess. It's interesting how much I have relied on other people and things to keep my mind busy and avoid thinking about what God has been teaching me through various experiences and relationships in the past year. I'm so good at burying my emotions that I struggle at determining whether I'm actually over someone/something or just get too involved in the next thing to realize that I haven't processed it all. Yesterday morning at camp I was pretty down, partly because I was cold, but also because I didn't have anyone there to just listen and hug me. I found myself getting sad and angry. Besides the fact that five years ago I had never imagined me being overseas alone, just this summer when I was well into the process and had a great friend who was talking about intentionally keeping in touch, as well as visiting, that situation fell apart. And so yesterday, in the midst of the cold, cloudy morning, it really hit me that here I am now without someone special to really confide in or comfort me when I'm frustrated, lonely, or down...or even rejoice with me when I want to laugh and celebrate any small accomplishment in this new culture. So today as I sit on my balcony, enjoying the rare sunshine and warm air, I wonder why I still find myself heartbroken and missing friendships. I know that God is sufficient and that don't need anyone, yet God has created this deep desire for a companion--someone to laugh with, cry with, and just enjoy each other's company. I am trusting God's timing and know that each person in my life has had a purpose in Him forming me into the child that He wants me to be. I don't know how things will turn out in life, but I do know that my God loves this mess.

Conversations...

In light of my never-ending soap opera life, I've had some good conversations with girlfriends and even their husbands. While chatting with some girls about our frustrations with guys and how we want them to be chasing after their passions and where God wants them, I came to a conclusion. The man who is solid in his faith, serving others, actively seeking God's will for his life, and using his gifts, must also be passionately pursuing me. He must desire to see me grow in my walk with the Lord, lead in the relationship, encourage my dreams, and, with God permeating every aspect of his life, make me his number one earthly priority. Why is this so hard to find in men? I know I'm not perfect by any means, and neither are my friends, but why does it seem like the number of solid, Christian women out-weigh solid, Christian men? Are there any godly men who share the same passions and ministry interests? If so, where are they hiding?!?! Then again, why am I even concerned with "finding someone, as if God doesn't have everything under control already? A friend's husband mentioned a race analogy... Instead of trying to force someone to do a race with you, it makes more sense to go out, train hard, and run the course, then look to see who is around you. Whoever is right there might just be someone who IS heading in the same direction. I suppose my "race" is beginning soon...

Vulnerability...

Who actually likes vulnerability? Who likes to be dependent upon anyone or anything outside of themselves? I think I struggle with this a lot. I like to think that I'm in control, at least to some extent, and feel like I can walk away from anyone or anything if I want to. The problem, however, lies in the fact that I am very much swayed by people, circumstances, and emotions. This can be harmful when I allow these things to influence my decisions rather than basing my choices on Truth. But in other ways, vulnerability & dependence are good things. Going into missions, I am very dependent upon others' money, time, encouragement and prayers. Without my team, this ministry wouldn't be possible, and I could not pursue God's will for me. Surrendering my life to Him, I have become very dependent upon God for purpose, joy, peace, and significance. It all becomes a balancing act, making sure I am relying upon God for love and worth rather than on what others say or think. If my main goal is to stay fixated upon Him, growing in my walk and learning to be more like Christ each day, then I cannot fail. I know that God has been preparing me for something amazing and His fingerprints are everywhere! Because of this, I do not mind being vulnerable and dependent. This goal can only be reached through His strength and provision, which means I do not have to worry about details, money, or timing in my life. Phew! Now that's a relief! God is good and His is faithful...He is MY God.

Frustrations...

Why am I so frustrated? Why do I allow myself to get so side tracked when God has called me to pursue Him and yet I find myself chasing after my dreams again? Will I ever learn?

It's funny how quickly I can get wrapped up in someone who seems so amazing and begin to plan out the next few months, investing a lot of time and energy into them instead of focusing on what God has called me to. Then when it all comes to a confusing and screeching halt, I am on the verge of tears and depression. It's like I want them to love me so badly and yet I'm stuck waiting for them to see if another door is still open and if they will step through that or confirm that it's closed. In the mean time, I'm anxiously awaiting to see if I will be pursued or thrown to the curb.

I can't help to think that this is how God feels so much of the time with me. He has been sitting back, patiently waiting to see if I will choose to put Him first in my own life and pursue a relationship with Him. He must be tenderly smiling at the thought of me, longing for my attention and devotion to Him. Have I broken God's heart? I know that I have failed Christ miserably these past few months...my spiritual walk has been minimal and I've snuck in devos once in a great while when the guilt builds up, but it's nothing like when I was on my knees daily, trusting Him for each day's needs. God is so patient with me, waiting with loving arms open for me to run into when I finally decide that my own way isn't working out. And, I am there now. I long for His peace and love, not what I can get from anyone else here on this earth. God is my rock. He is my fortress. He is my strong tower. He is my ALL. Christ will NEVER forsake me, even when people might. Christ will always be with me. I am His and He is mine.