Forgiveness...

Why is it that sometimes we like to harbor bitterness and frustration? Why do we cling so tightly to hurt feelings and wallow in them when we're down? Why does it feel like we deserve to be angry and depressed after being painfully betrayed? Why? I was convicted of this last month at our conference. The very first session included a short teaching on what was called "bitter springs" in our lives. These are the things that we refuse to hand over to God and so they continue to well-up and prevent us from living like we're called to. As I sat in my seat, listening to the speaker, my mind wandered. Hadn't I forgiven people who have hurt me? Hadn't I given this over to God? Hadn't I moved on to this new phase in my life? It then hit me. I hadn't. I had gone through the motions, and maybe even said that I had forgiven others, but in my heart I was clinging on to the pain...and I considered why. Perhaps it was because I could pull out the self-pity and wallow in it whenever I was lonely, sad, or tired. It worked as a perfect excuse for being depressed and struggling, should I ever need it. But wasn't this totally selfish? By refusing to relinquish the bitterness and hurt feelings, I was telling God that He wasn't big enough to heal my heart and fill the void where I thought a guy should go. After several days of wrestling with the thought of giving up my "bitter springs," I decided to fully give them up. God had gently wrapped His arms around me and reminded me that He loves me unconditionally and wants ALL of my heart, no matter how many pieces it feels like it is in. He wanted to heal it, and I was ready to let Him. God is so good. I realized that if it hurt that much, then I must have really loved him...which is good because I know that I'm capable of love, I'm able to forgive, and I can trust God with the future, no matter how it unfolds.