Lonely in Dallas

So we've been married for just over 5 months and in Dallas for almost 4 months already. Crazy...it feels like so much longer. This has been the most difficult and painful time of stretching and growing that I have ever experienced, yet I know that God will give me the strength to get through so many changes. Graduating from college, getting married, moving, starting a new job, being alone for a month in a huge, unfamilar city, and having Chris start medschool had created a lot of stress. It's so hard for me to give it all over to God and not know what will happen next. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose other than to support my husband in his faithful pursuit of God's will for his life, which is okay. I love him so much and enjoy taking care of him in little ways, however I want and need more. I need to get plugged into a ministry or some place where I can serve others and share Christ. It's just so hard at the end of the day when I am exhausted and have so much to do at home to take care of and get ready for another day of work and school. It seems like I've been praying for a desire to be in God's word and love others, but I continually find myself wrapped up in my own things and ignoring everything and everyone else. I know that this is why there is no joy in my life right now and I long for the past--my time in high school and the first years of college when I was much happier, enjoyed being with others, had close friends to hang out with, couldn't gain a pound, and never had to worry about money. Now, I feel like I'm in quicksand...the more I struggle to get out, the deeper I sink. Everything either ticks me off or makes me cry...I need to turn to God, but I'm angry. Angry that I'm somewhere I don't really want to be and lonely. I don't understand. I guess God never promised us that life would be easy and I know that He loves me unconditionally...being stretched and blind is just painful, but I need to have faith and trust that God is in control. In the meantime, I guess I'll hunt for ministry opportunities and keep praying for strength. 'Til next time...

Population: 93% Black, 5% Hispanic, 2% White

So I finished my second day at work today, which I must say went much better than the first. Talk about overwhelming! It's like the entire Admissions Office at LU crammed into one position at FCA--I get to do it all. There are several BIG problems stepping into this position: the former lady had everything arranged her way and had her own system to opereate (which no one else knows), the many files of confidential tests and records are scattered throughout the School offices (basically wherever they could fit them) but not necessarily close to my cubical, and lastly, since the position has been vacant for a few months, teachers and staff have been rummaging through everything to find stuff leaving a total disaster in their wake.

Other than that, I've started picking up on some stuff already but will have to do a lot more learning and organizing to get things to the point where I can enjoy work more and feel like it's possible to stay on top of things. Maybe I'll even get to stop and eat lunch and take all of my breaks...that would be nice.

I saw the second white person today! Yesterday, the lady who talked to all of the new employees about health benefits and insurance was white, so I'm not sure if she counts, but it took me four times of being there before I saw her, the first white person. Ohh, also saw Tony Evans walk past the office doors giving his own tour to what looked like a bunch of "important people."

Stopped at Salvation Army and spent $18 on three suit jackets, one button up shirt, and a hand-spun pottery bowl...not too shabby. I just need to dry clean two of the jackets and wash the others and I'm good. Gotta love thrift shopping!

I'm home now...ran 2.5-3 miles tonight, showered, and made a protein shake. Pretty much bored and really, really, really missing Chris. It's just not the same falling asleep in and empty bed, eating cold cereal, and sitting alone all evening with only my plants to listen to me ramble. Makes me wonder how lonely it would be to lose him...my mom and I talked to a lady in Wal-Mart for over an hour at the photo machine while we waited for her to print her many copies of pictures from her husband's funeral. I can't imagine. At least they were christians and knew where they would spend eternity--praise God for the hope He gives us and that we do not have to fear death.

Read Psalm 27. Here are some of the many great pieces...
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?...Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear...'Your face, O Lord, I shall seek'...Teach me Your way, O Lord, and lead me in a level path because of my foes...Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

Bored and blogging once again...

Wow, has it really been almost a year since I last wrote!?!?! Summer...I guess it will do that to you. Along with the fact that my husband has been gone for over a week and won't be back from his Air Force training until the end of the month. Boo-hoo-hoo...

So, I just got our internet hooked up today and am really excited to have another connection to the outside world. I've felt like I've been in a cage for the past week almost, only able to make phone calls to friends and family after 9 when our free minutes start.

God has taught me sooo much in this past year about trusting Him and not to make my own plans for my life...'cause they are never as good as the ones that He has for me. I have been blessed with a wonderful, loving, hard-working, God-fearing husband, a very nice apartment that is actually a 4-plex in an upscale neighborhood, a great job at Fellowship Christian Academy (the school for Tony Evans' church here in Dallas), and awesome friends everywhere! Never in my wildest dreams growing up would I have ever pictured myself doing what I have done. Who, and a kid, imagines themselves graduating with a Bachelors from a college in Texas, meeting, dating, and marrying some hunkie surfer/future-doctor who grew up in the Republic of Panama as a missionary kid, moving to a huge city, and working for Tony Evans' church's school? God is awesome...that's all I have to say!!

Well, my favorite mom is making the 800+ mile drive today to stay with me for the rest of the week and weekend. Awww! I love her sooo much and we will have a blast hanging out and exploring this stink'n huge city. Sooo, I guess that means I need to go scrub the toilet and mop a floor or two to make our new apartment presentable. Hmmm...I wonder if I could talk Chris into hiring a cleaning lady...

May 21, 2005 -- the best day of my life!