Wrestling with God...

Why is it that when I pray for God to make thinks extremely clear to me, mostly because of my inability to stay focused on His will, He allows me to begin pursuing something only to give me this gut-wrenching feeling that I'm chasing after selfish dreams? Why am I so incredibly thick headed at times and able to wreak total havoc when I am suppose to be simply relying on God for what I need each day? Of course as I'm wrestling with God this morning and praying about His will, I begin to read in Galatians. Verse ten hit me in the face: "For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-slave of Christ." Am I striving to meet the approval and expectations of others? Am I avoiding doing what I know is right to avoid disappointing someone? Am I seeking God's will and ways to bring glory to Him? Do I consider myself a bond-slave of Christ? Those are all very good questions...

Loneliness...

It's funny how I am surrounded by lots of friends and family, and yet I struggle with loneliness. I guess this is when I really need to lean on Christ and allow Him to fill the void that was created in my life. Perhaps it was especially hard the past few days because almost exactly three years ago I thought I had said good-bye to going through life alone...this week was challenging, to say the least.
I guess I should be reminded that my focus should be on the eternal and know that no one here on this earth can bring me the real joy that we have in Jesus Christ. Yes, of course I would like to be married and starting a family soon, but I also have to be able to let go of my own desires to allow God's will to take 1st place. I know that He will provide and that will come in His perfect timing. 'Til then, I will seek His face in the lonely times and rest in His presence.

Eastern Europe...

Yay! So I am going to eastern Europe for a month this summer to work with some individuals at a local kids camp. I am very excited to see where God is leading. Suddenly the thought of going overseas to work with lost people doesn't sound quite as daunting as it used to. I never thought I would give in to God nudging me in this direction, but I guess He has a way of conforming my heart to His when I pray for it. What an amazing God I have! Now I just need share Him with those in desperate need of hope in this part of the world, too. The adventure begins...javascript:void(0)

Missions...

So I'm looking into a summers missions trip. I have been feeling God leading me here for some time, but because of different circumstances and being so focused on what I wanted in life, I hadn't really explored my options or allowed God to work on my heart. Now that I've been praying for Him to show me where he wants me to go in life and I have very little tying me down, there has been an opportunity to take 5 weeks at a sports camp in Europe and minister to the unsaved. I am nervous, but excited...I don't know what God will ask me to do, but I am willing to go out on a limb and leave my comfort zone because I know that no matter where I end up, God will be there and bless me more than I could ever imagine!

Wounds Reopened...

Why does it feel like when, month after agonizing month, I finally feel like I'm making great progress and then learning that I've already been replaced which momentarily shreds any progress made? My heart is thrown into the meat grinder and I struggle as I'm slowly getting sucked back into the black hole of depression again. Satan has such a way of taking us when we thing we're back on our feet, capable of doing things on our own again, and he uses that pride to lead us astray.
It was a painful, but necessary time to remind me that Christ is my rock. He is the only One who loves me unconditionally and will never leave me. God is not going to dump me out like yesterday's garbage for someone new and more exciting--I don't have to perform or meet any standard to stay in His presence--and that is comforting. Why do I try to make people like me? Why to I try to be perfect? Why do I let others determine my worth? Because I'm human, and when I don't allow Christ to be in control, then I give that power over to others. Thankfully, He is always there, just waiting for me to run back into His arms and let Him handle my stress, sadness, and worries. I don't know what I would do without God...

Good reminder...

It's funny how I put God in a box. I can't see past what is right in front of me and I feel stuck sometimes...like this is all that life here on earth is with me trying to make due with what's at hand. However, I'm sure God's shaking His head at me when I am surprised when exciting doors open and I let my mind start to dream about the future. What a good reminder that God knows not only what I really need, but EXACTLY what I want...He sees the desires of our hearts and really WANTS to give those to us. It just takes us allowing Him to direct our paths and giving over the control since He wants us to find joy here and contentment in Him. I guess I let my finite, human mind give up on my dreams and hopes, only to let God remind me occassionally that He loves me unconditionally and knows what I long for...

Winter Wonderland...

I love winter. Plain and simple. The snowy, quiet outdoors. The world is mine when I go for a long run on the trail early in the mornings. Only deer tracks beat me as I leave a curvy line of shoe-prints down the path. The crisp morning air stings my face as puffs of my breath hang in the stillness. Steady strides land quietly on the snow as a "V" of geese fly overhead, calling out their farewells as they glide south toward warmer weather. As for me, I'll stay here. Here in this perfect moment, enjoying God's amazing creation. Here in Iowa, knowing that this is exactly where God wants me. Here in life, totally content and seeking His will for me. I love home. I love winter.

A year and a half later...

Talk about slacking...it's been over a year and a half since I last wrote. I'm living in another state, relearning what it is to be a single woman, working in a gym, gloating over my cute niece, and having successfully completed two marathons. CRAZY!
Perhaps I'll get back into blogging and sharing my thoughts...it ends up being a great way to get out some of the thoughts in my head that like to get twisted in a jumbled mess as I try to sort out emotions and ideas about life. I'm never quite sure if my thought process and feelings are way out of whack after the painful experiences that I've gone through this past year. What a journey it has been. Though extremely painful and challenging, the lessons learned and the growth in my spiritual walk has been amazing. God IS so faithful and opened doors right when they were needed and shut others. Praise the Lord for loving me enough to take care of even the smallest details in life.

Psalm 63:1
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.

God is faithful

Wow, God is so faithful. He has given me so many suportive friends and family during this tough time and these wonderful people have done so much for me; praying, listening, talking, advising, and just loving me. I keep coming to realize that even when I feel so alone, that God is there and working through others to be an encouragement to me. Even though it's hard right now to see what the future holds, I know that He will work everything out to His glory.

Proverbs 16:9 The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.

Hebrews 3:12-14 Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ, if we hold fast the beginning of our assurance firm until the end

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Some good advice from a close friend was to keep personal things personal and avoid more problems later...wise advice.

Wild Weekend...

I had a fun weekend taking a roadtrip with four other friends to Northwest Arkansas for a wonderful wedding. Sarah Plymale and Aaron Sullivan are now "one flesh" and enjoying sunny San Diego. Talk about a rush of memories...getting married was full of new experieces and emotions. It was a slippery trip with the ice and snow, but it was so good to see so many people that I hadn't seen for a few years. I guess it was a little wierd because I never really developed deep relationships with many of the group since I hung out with a different guys' floor at LU. The best part was seeing lots of G2 girls, especially Zippy. *sigh...We had an awesome time chilling in the hotel room, digesting way too much food that we had eaten earlier, and reminiscing about college. It was fun, but then we had a long drive home to Texas and due to bad weather and a late start, I finally made it home to crawl in at 4:00 AM Sunday morning. Thank the Lord for an 11:15 service. After that and a quick 9.5 mile run around White Rock Lake, I was able to kick back and relax til work today. Three day weekends rock...

Honesty is the BEST policy...

Time to be honest...I'm sick of putting on a pretty face for everyone and trying to appear to be perfection to those around me. There has been very little joy in my life over the past few years, but it is my fault. I have let my relationship with the Lord fall apart and I only seem to turn to Him when I'm very desperate for help. I try to do everything on my own and control things, but I've hit rock bottom. Perhaps I'm jadded from my life not being what I had always dreamed of and I really, really miss my home and family in Iowa. I'm longing for purpose and contentment in where God has me, but it's hard.
I want so badly to be the Godly wife that Chris deserves, the compassionate and loving friend to those around me, the dedicated and passionate employee at my job, and the Christian woman who is so on fire for God that serving Him and loving others is the only priority in my life. I have so much to learn and I know that God is right here, waiting for me to lean on Him. I know that I cannot be that person on my own strength and am trusting that God will change my heart and direct my steps.
Time to be open about my weaknesses, time to share my struggles, time to give my worries to Christ, time to be real with my friends, time to be honest.

Lonely in Dallas

So we've been married for just over 5 months and in Dallas for almost 4 months already. Crazy...it feels like so much longer. This has been the most difficult and painful time of stretching and growing that I have ever experienced, yet I know that God will give me the strength to get through so many changes. Graduating from college, getting married, moving, starting a new job, being alone for a month in a huge, unfamilar city, and having Chris start medschool had created a lot of stress. It's so hard for me to give it all over to God and not know what will happen next. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose other than to support my husband in his faithful pursuit of God's will for his life, which is okay. I love him so much and enjoy taking care of him in little ways, however I want and need more. I need to get plugged into a ministry or some place where I can serve others and share Christ. It's just so hard at the end of the day when I am exhausted and have so much to do at home to take care of and get ready for another day of work and school. It seems like I've been praying for a desire to be in God's word and love others, but I continually find myself wrapped up in my own things and ignoring everything and everyone else. I know that this is why there is no joy in my life right now and I long for the past--my time in high school and the first years of college when I was much happier, enjoyed being with others, had close friends to hang out with, couldn't gain a pound, and never had to worry about money. Now, I feel like I'm in quicksand...the more I struggle to get out, the deeper I sink. Everything either ticks me off or makes me cry...I need to turn to God, but I'm angry. Angry that I'm somewhere I don't really want to be and lonely. I don't understand. I guess God never promised us that life would be easy and I know that He loves me unconditionally...being stretched and blind is just painful, but I need to have faith and trust that God is in control. In the meantime, I guess I'll hunt for ministry opportunities and keep praying for strength. 'Til next time...

Population: 93% Black, 5% Hispanic, 2% White

So I finished my second day at work today, which I must say went much better than the first. Talk about overwhelming! It's like the entire Admissions Office at LU crammed into one position at FCA--I get to do it all. There are several BIG problems stepping into this position: the former lady had everything arranged her way and had her own system to opereate (which no one else knows), the many files of confidential tests and records are scattered throughout the School offices (basically wherever they could fit them) but not necessarily close to my cubical, and lastly, since the position has been vacant for a few months, teachers and staff have been rummaging through everything to find stuff leaving a total disaster in their wake.

Other than that, I've started picking up on some stuff already but will have to do a lot more learning and organizing to get things to the point where I can enjoy work more and feel like it's possible to stay on top of things. Maybe I'll even get to stop and eat lunch and take all of my breaks...that would be nice.

I saw the second white person today! Yesterday, the lady who talked to all of the new employees about health benefits and insurance was white, so I'm not sure if she counts, but it took me four times of being there before I saw her, the first white person. Ohh, also saw Tony Evans walk past the office doors giving his own tour to what looked like a bunch of "important people."

Stopped at Salvation Army and spent $18 on three suit jackets, one button up shirt, and a hand-spun pottery bowl...not too shabby. I just need to dry clean two of the jackets and wash the others and I'm good. Gotta love thrift shopping!

I'm home now...ran 2.5-3 miles tonight, showered, and made a protein shake. Pretty much bored and really, really, really missing Chris. It's just not the same falling asleep in and empty bed, eating cold cereal, and sitting alone all evening with only my plants to listen to me ramble. Makes me wonder how lonely it would be to lose him...my mom and I talked to a lady in Wal-Mart for over an hour at the photo machine while we waited for her to print her many copies of pictures from her husband's funeral. I can't imagine. At least they were christians and knew where they would spend eternity--praise God for the hope He gives us and that we do not have to fear death.

Read Psalm 27. Here are some of the many great pieces...
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?...Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear...'Your face, O Lord, I shall seek'...Teach me Your way, O Lord, and lead me in a level path because of my foes...Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

Bored and blogging once again...

Wow, has it really been almost a year since I last wrote!?!?! Summer...I guess it will do that to you. Along with the fact that my husband has been gone for over a week and won't be back from his Air Force training until the end of the month. Boo-hoo-hoo...

So, I just got our internet hooked up today and am really excited to have another connection to the outside world. I've felt like I've been in a cage for the past week almost, only able to make phone calls to friends and family after 9 when our free minutes start.

God has taught me sooo much in this past year about trusting Him and not to make my own plans for my life...'cause they are never as good as the ones that He has for me. I have been blessed with a wonderful, loving, hard-working, God-fearing husband, a very nice apartment that is actually a 4-plex in an upscale neighborhood, a great job at Fellowship Christian Academy (the school for Tony Evans' church here in Dallas), and awesome friends everywhere! Never in my wildest dreams growing up would I have ever pictured myself doing what I have done. Who, and a kid, imagines themselves graduating with a Bachelors from a college in Texas, meeting, dating, and marrying some hunkie surfer/future-doctor who grew up in the Republic of Panama as a missionary kid, moving to a huge city, and working for Tony Evans' church's school? God is awesome...that's all I have to say!!

Well, my favorite mom is making the 800+ mile drive today to stay with me for the rest of the week and weekend. Awww! I love her sooo much and we will have a blast hanging out and exploring this stink'n huge city. Sooo, I guess that means I need to go scrub the toilet and mop a floor or two to make our new apartment presentable. Hmmm...I wonder if I could talk Chris into hiring a cleaning lady...

May 21, 2005 -- the best day of my life!

So I'm moving off-campus into the Yellow House. Big step to independence, I guess. At least I don't have to eat at Saga and there are no open-dorm hours! I'll let you all know more info as it is finalized...catch ya later. 

Sarah Jo and me again...relaxing on Chris's couch after Fall Fest...yay for getting out of formals and into comfy clothes! 

In honor of my hot friend, Sarah Jo, who is moving to Mississippi. This is us eating at Chili's before the Longview Symphony. 

Blueberry Festival?

Okay, so Chris and I had plans for this last Saturday, but they were changed the night before and we were left with a full day and nothing specific to do. Besides the fact that we both have a very tight budget, we wanted to find some cheap entertainment outside of Longview. Yes, I know that this city is exciting and all, but it seems like everywhere we go we end up running into people we know and can't get away.

Our plan: be spontaneous. Ironic, huh? =)

As of 9 AM on Saturday, we had decided to find a random festival or event happening in East Texas. I came across a website for Nacogdoches' annual Blueberry Festival and so we packed a picnic and took off.

( check it out for yourself! http://visitnacogdoches.org/blueberry.htm )

It was only an hour drive and we arrived in "the oldest town in Texas." Chris and I decided that it was just another excuse to throw a party and sell stuff. One would think that a blueberry festival would be full of, yes, blueberries. However, there was only one or two booths selling blueberries. We did see T-shirts for the event and blue beer, but that's about it. We stopped a girl wearing a blue formal dress and huge crown thinking that she was the blueberry queen, but nope, she was the Nacogdoches Queen or something. No blueberry queen...how disappointing.

We had fun anyway walking around in the sun and humidity looking at all the endless rows of vendors, signing up for prize drawings, listening to a South American band, munching on real kettle corn, and chatting.

Cooling off in the air conditioning of a coffee house and playing Rack-o was fun, too. It's always nice to talk without interruptions and not worry about the usual things of the day. We then opted out of the "Big Cynthia" concert because it was $10 a person...we figured we could rent a movie for less than $20 and have more fun.

So, overall I had a great day hanging out with Chris and had fun experiencing East Texas up close and personal, even if it is a little redneck. I guess I don't have a lot of room to talk being from Iowa--the land of corn and pigs. =)